I’ve written before that a great many of us are givers. We’re cooperative. We’re pliable. It’s a soft skill in today’s world. It can open a lot of doors professionally. Let’s face it, when I’m not trying to spark a labor uprising, that’s who I am too, cooperatively working toward the mission of whoever I’m working for. Nobody was more about increasing shareholder value than Christopher Day in the private sector. My public sector work, I’m happy to talk about if I ever separate from service.

Today I’m going to share something that happened to me in the hopes that it’ll open the eyes of others that come across similar experiences and prevent them from making the same mistakes.

Many years ago, a member of the community encouraged me to get into the car with a driver that had been drinking. Without a word-for-word recounting, let’s just say it was a very scary experience that could’ve ended my career or killed me.

And yet I felt immense pressure to do it. This seems to be, from things I’ve read over the years, a quirk in human psychology. We want to be accepted. We’ll do things in groups that we would never do alone. Everything from violence to self-endangerment can quickly be normalized in a group setting. I’d even speculate that it’s partly that group dynamic thing that helps domestic violence thrive, though I’ll save why I believe that for another day.

And you may one day be in the position I was at and say to yourself, “it’s okay. This person has my back. Through thick or thin, we’ll tackle the issues together.” Ask me how I know.

Readers, let me tell you, the first person to phase out contact with me when I had my 2021 medical issue was the community member that had pressured me to get into that car many, many years ago.

I kept it to myself out of shame for a long time. But I realize that there are younger people reading. They will likely face some form of the things we have faced. If we do not share, how can they learn? How many mistakes have I never made in my own life because I had mentors willing to share private moments, thoughts, and feelings?

In the end, my choices were mine. I am lucky. My only real consequence was that I had a front row seat to just how little some people value me. A privilege that most people never experience. It might not swing that way for you. Your choices will be yours. So if you ever find yourself staring down a decision where someone that makes you feel safe is telling you to do something dangerous, my best advice is to pick the safest option for you. Because when the safest option for them is to ditch you, it’s not a discussion, they just do it.

P.S.

If any readers come from a background where drinking and driving was normalized or accepted, then you might understand this on an even deeper level. This is an activity that is dangerous for the perpetrator and others. It’s an activity that can have life-altering consequences even if no one gets hurt. But in some circles its danger is minimized or not acknowledged.

For example, someone close to me many years ago said, “eh, if I get caught I’ll just plead guilty, pay the fine, and it’ll be over with!” At that point in my life I had learned just how dangerous it was, and I explained that, in our jurisdiction, you don’t just pay a fine and get it over with. You get arrested and taken to a special testing area where, on camera, they’ll have you blow into an intoxilyzer and do the sobriety tests. Then you could be waiting up to 24 hours for your arraignment, at which time the judge will suspend your license for the duration of the criminal case. You want to plead guilty? Okay. Potentially lifelong criminal record, ignition interlock device mandated on every car you have access to for at least a year, drunk driving program. Your lawyer works out a sweetheart deal? Pretty much the same, maybe you get out of the criminal record. This is all assuming nobody’s hurt and no property is damaged. So even if you can’t stop yourself from drinking and driving on the grounds of “this is a dangerous activity,” at the very least look at it from the perspective of “if I do this, I could be wrapped up in a criminal court case for a year or more, and that can get very expensive in time and money very quickly.” And even if you blow under a 0.08, they might still have a viable case against you under a common law intoxication theory. That’s legalese for “you can beat the RAP, but you can’t beat the ride.”

For some people, driving is like water. They need it. It’s a part of them. Imagine giving the government a legal reason to mess with your ability to drive for a couple of years before you get behind that wheel after drinking.

Every single close relationship I’ve shared this with has told me they will never, ever risk it. As far as I can tell, if “you can put yourself and others in danger,” doesn’t work, “you can blow a whole lot of money and suffer a fairly traumatic experience where you’ll be at the mercy of the government for at least a year of your life” seems to work.

Perhaps public awareness campaigns can focus on the hassle the perpetrator will have to go through even if they “don’t do anything wrong.” I’ve found when you put into concrete terms for people what happens to them, they wise up fast.

And perhaps if any of you know someone at risk of doing any of this, you’ll pass this to them. If they’ve made it this far, they’ll know how deeply you care about them and what you were trying to protect them from, even if they’re not yet ready to acknowledge it.

And if you’re one of those people glancing at this, unready to make the changes that will protect yourself and others, remember the story of the Drowning Man. It’s a story that revolves around a man stranded on a rooftop that refuses help several times because he believes that God will save him. He reaches heaven and asks why God didn’t save him, and God remarks that he sent the help and the man turned it away. If you are religious, then perhaps God has sent some help and you should really take the time to reflect on that. If you are not so religious, perhaps you can still learn a little something from the story and how we, in our very human desires, sometimes overlook what we have for what we want.

You may want this message to come to you in some other way or at some other time, but here it is. I hope it helps.