In a stunning turn of events, Chief Justice Honorable John G. Roberts declared that stenographers will no longer be necessary for the trial courts. “I am quite sure that we can just record it. Everyone knows that if you decrease the supply of court reporting vendors by getting rid of stenographers and the demand remains the same, prices will go down. That’s Economics 101. We could save the judiciary a lot of money by turning it completely over to corporations and paying them for a deficit product. The frequency of reconstruction hearings is only going to be as often as the audio fails, which we conveniently have and collect no data for, so it must be rare. I don’t really care to read trial court records before I make my rulings anyway. I’m ready for the future.” Stenonymous.com called for national protests, leading to a large gathering of stenography supporters in New York City.

In other news…

Inventor invents a new stenotype containing an actual C on the keyboard. Court reporters everywhere are furious!

Jury finds Staten Island stenographer guilty of blogging while under the influence, defendant remanded. Trial to be held five years from now due to understaffing.

NCRA Spokesperson: “Our next legislative move will be universal parking passes for stenographers. Never wait for your parking to get validated again.”

Commenting on the accuracy of court records, Elvis Presley has words for stenographers: Thank you very much.

Elon Musk dictates to classroom of stenographers in training.

First raise in 30 years! Local stenographer celebrates 10-cent surprise.

Suspect asks for a lawyer dog. Lawyer dog swears he’s not a cat. Stenographers weigh in.

*None of this is true. It is part of Stenonymous Satire Weekends, a project meant to entertain the court reporting audience of this blog and catch search engine attention by integrating court reporting with current events and prominent figures. We have a corporate fraud problem in court reporting that the media won’t report on and the government won’t do anything about, so we’re reduced to fundraising until we can simply advertise deluge-style and publicly shame all the people and organizations in power who had a chance to do something and didn’t. Until that fundraising comes in, which will be sometime between now and never, Stenonymous will continue to archive, entertain, and inform with the help of its audience and the stenographers that support the blog.

The picture is from the day of the Trump arraignment in New York City, but has been modified.

Based on the most current data, at 2% of revenue, court reporters could afford an annual advertising campaign of $21.6 million (assumes $60,000 median pay x 18,000 court reporters. In some estimates, there are as many as 30,000 court reporters. BLS statistics in court reporting may be inaccurate, as the BLS continues to decrease the number of jobs despite consistently forecasting an increase in the number of jobs.