Using Wolf PAC’s constitutional convention model, a move meant to stop the unlimited flow of corporate money into politics that occurred after the Citizens United ruling, the legislatures of the United States have convened a constitutional convention to introduce Amendment 28, the institution of the New Corporate Republic. The Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches, and all other constitutional amendments except for the Second Amendment are hereby abolished. The S&P 500 will now control all functions, agencies, and responsibilities of the United States government and state government functions, and shareholders will be the only vote that counts. Elon Musk has already bought and moved into the White House, as it no longer serves a governmental function. Capitol Hill has been renamed Capital Hill. Former Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas went on record today, stating “wow, I took so many bribes from these people. I never thought they’d come for my job too.”
The new corporate government declared the United States is now a compulsory consumerist state. Anyone that does not buy at least one thing a day faces an automatic fine that cannot be waived. Those that do not pay the fine or violate the law again will be forced to work for free indefinitely or face summary execution for being an unproductive member of society that doesn’t contribute their fair share™️. Advocates for the poor and disabled object, but we didn’t like them when this was a free country so there’s no chance we’re excepting them from this rule now.
Free speech is suspended pending further changes to the law. Any expression that disparages the new government or any business interest is illegal and will lead to you and your family disappearing mysteriously in the middle of the night. A part-time government spokesperson issued a statement today, “the new rules are far more protective of our economy. If you wouldn’t say it to your boss or at the workplace, just don’t say it at all, because anything you’ve bought in the last 10 years is listening and you will face consequences.” The spokesperson further clarified that AI automatic speech recognition would be used to detect anti-business rhetoric. When asked how the system would safeguard against the constant errors in speech recognition technology, the spokesperson added “oh, it won’t. It’s much too expensive to hire people to double check. I suggest all of you make as little noise as possible.”
The song Beast by Nico Vega and any non-corporate media has also been outlawed. People suspected of producing music will face a convenience charge of $29.99 per song, and a song has been defined under the new law as “one minute of continuous or semi-continuous sound.” All other media will face a surcharge of $0.67 per second.
Our national animal has been changed to the AR-15. Citizens are encouraged to buy as many guns as possible, but first must be fitted with a brain-reader chip to scan for thoughts of harming business interests. Harming anything else is fair game, because it will likely stimulate the healthcare, construction, and insurance economies, making us a better nation.
Public schools will be closed nationwide over the next three weeks as the government decides which ones will be allowed to continue to operate as private institutions and which ones will be demolished so that the land can be repurposed for commercial and/or industrial development. Neighborhoods with high minority concentrations are said to be the most likely candidates for pollution-creating structures and carcinogenic products, because keeping that stuff away from whites ensures their obedience and apathy.
All citizens will be issued $100,000 of debt at birth. Immigrants face a $3,000,000 debt. If regular payments are not made by the debtor or their parents/guardians, the debtor will be seized by authorities.
Courts are suspended. Criminal actions will be punished with slavery, just like when we were a free country. Civil actions against business or economic interests are dismissed.
The American right to unionize and discuss pay shall be abolished. All unions and nonprofits, including religious institutions, are ordered to turn over all assets to the S&P 500 for repurposing and/or resale.
Anti-corporate terrorist Christopher Day will have his public execution live streamed, and the advertising revenue will be used to hunt down other dissidents. When asked what his crimes were, it was revealed that he wrote a blog called Stenonymous that spoke out against corporate misconduct. Asked how that makes one a terrorist, the government responded, “everyone we don’t like is a terrorist, just like when we were a free country.” Anyone else with a history of anti-corporate activism may opt out of public execution by adding $10,000,000 to their citizen debt.
U$A military spending will be increased by a factor of 10 so that the new corporate government can complete the Happy Consumer Satellite Array by SpaceX, which will help regulate human minds worldwide to be subservient to the New World Order, moving products from ownership to subscription-based. You will own nothing and you will be happy.
We are Earth United, brought to you by the New Incorporated States of America. Let freedom ring.
*None of this is true. It’s part of Stenonymous Satire Weekends, a project to help expose what’s occurring in my industry. I’m a blogger in my field of court reporting, and we’ve got a bit of corporate misconduct going on. I started publishing about it actively in September 2021 and we tried reporting it to government agencies that are supposed to handle that kind of thing like the FTC and New York State Attorney General. The FTC issued a weak statement about gig workers and the NYS Attorney General doesn’t investigate single complaints. It was kind of interesting for me because, being a court reporter, I was a big believer in the system. But the government at every level has shown that it has zero intention of doing anything that might harm business interests, even if they’re violating antitrust laws, deceptive business practices laws, and false advertising laws.
As an American, I’m disgusted. We rely on our government to enforce our laws equally. Imagine if the police didn’t investigate single complaints? “I just got robbed.” Sorry, we don’t investigate single complaints. “My brother was murdered.” Sorry, we don’t investigate single complaints. Well, you know what? Maybe the police are like that too, because a few months ago I met a man that says the authorities are ignoring his ex’s perjury and de facto kidnapping of his daughter. There’ll be a post about that someday soon, but the point is that we have a very real problem in this country of capitulation to anybody with money and chronic underfunding of government agencies meant to create balance in society.
And the “free press” that we rely on as Americans to report on a corrupt or inept government/organizations? It relies on corporate advertisers, so it’s not in the business of reporting on corporate fraud and, in our case, just repeats the corporate narrative of a court reporter shortage. So you literally have a situation where 18,000 to 30,000 good jobs are threatened with replacement by low-paying jobs due to the deceit of a few powerful corporations and the government and media side with the liars through their inaction, which will also likely lead to the degradation of court record accuracy and increase inequality when it comes to the recording of “minority speech” or dialects.
Billions of dollars lost to wage theft, but the media’s more concerned with what Elon Musk has for breakfast and our elected officials are basically using their offices for self-enrichment. Journalists that parrot the government or press releases have long been lambasted as stenographers. Hilariously, it’s the stenographers that are trying to bring you the truth.
If you don’t think any of this is a problem, I don’t know what to tell you. The government has signaled to corporate interests that it will not enforce the law against them. What happens when you tell a criminal their actions are consequence-free as long as they do it in a polite, sneaky fashion?
I don’t know exactly how to solve all this, but I’m willing to be a part of the solution. For starters, here’s a song I had commissioned to speak out against the corporate consolidation and corruption of the United States. Enjoy. If you want to throw a few dollars my way to help this reach more people, feel free to use the donation box on the front page of Stenonymous.com.
Proof that the AG said they don’t investigate single complaints.