FTC Arrests Court Reporting Blogger for Market Manipulation*

On Wednesday secret agents from the chronically underfunded Federal Trade Commission led local stenographer Anna Grigoryevna Dostoevskaya away in handcuffs. Known for her bombastic dirtbag left media style, the court reporting blogger is to face charges in an indictment to be unsealed soon™️ in the United States Eastern District of New York.

FTC Chairwoman Lina Khan released a statement about the arrest shortly after Dostoevskaya was taken into custody. “Today is a victory for fair trade and market competition. Our investigation shows without a doubt that this blogger was exposing the anticompetitive acts of corporations and the poor enforcement of laws meant to protect consumers. It’s only natural that we come after her with everything we’ve got.”

A source close to the investigation added, “what? You expect us to go toe to toe with corporations that have lawyers? It’s much easier to accuse individual people of violating the law and farm their lives for the appearance of justice than it ever was to oppose the corporate consolidation of the country and enforce the laws equally. Americans have spoken through their elected representatives. They do not want an FTC with enough teeth to investigate every complaint, or even most of them, just like the EEOC and every other agency meant to do right by the American people.”

New York City Council Member Kamillah Hanks expressed excitement after learning about the situation. “We could save an incredible amount of money by allowing law enforcement to ignore the vast majority of complaints it receives and arresting the people that criticize us. The NYPD could finally focus on important things like ticketing motorists if it completely avoided complaints about theft, domestic violence, and murder by simply saying it can’t investigate every complaint. We’d like to thank the FTC for giving us a roadmap to improving trust in the system.”

Senator Chuck Schumer, in a rare statement, noted, “actions opposing monopolies and oligopolies will not be tolerated in our nation of laws. This is America, we defend the wealthiest among us so that they can afford crisis bunkers to protect them from the end times. We defend their American Dream.”

Not everybody’s convinced. A source close to Dostoevskaya, speaking on the condition of anonymity, revealed the blogger’s likely legal defense. “Yeah, bro, she was always going on about the government and its hands-off approach toward the rich and powerful. We may have free speech in America, but everybody knows you just don’t do that. It’s very unprofessional. Anyway, I’m pretty sure she’ll say it was a conspiracy and I am definitely extremely close to her and can say that with confidence, bro.”

The Speech-to-Text Institute, a common target of the blogger, also chose to speak out on the arrest in a statement disclosed by its shadow representative, John Doe #3. “Let this be a lesson to stenographers that exercise their freedom of speech in America, we will always have the last laugh, and then we’ll have our speech recognition software transcribe that laugh as a word, because that’s what’s going to make court records more accurate in America.”

*None of this is true. It’s part of Stenonymous Satire Weekends, a project meant to pop up in search engines and expose corporate fraud in court reporting. I put it on pause for a couple of weekends because the Speech-to-Text Institute finally got sued and took down its site. I have a concern about where to go from here. Do I turn attention to the corporations behind the STTI? Do I turn attention to a government that has failed to enforce the law equally at every level conceivable? Do I continue to harp on the media for its journalistic equalizing and blatant disgusting support for corporate liars?

I could also kick my feet up and hope for the best. But after the medical incident I went through and my mom’s passing all within the span of about 9 months last year, I pretty much saw that anything can happen and none of us really know when our time is up. There’s a Greek proverb, “a society grows great when old men plant trees in whose shade they shall never sit.” Our actions today create echoes that reach into the future. Those echoes decide whether the future is scorching or shaded for the generations to come. If there is any chance of creating enough noise for this issue and others like it that the government is forced to stop shirking its responsibilities to the people of this country, then that is a seed I’ll plant, and hopefully it’ll lead to a better world.

And for anyone who’s not convinced that the government is shirking its responsibility, look at the disgustingly worthless California and Texas regulatory authorities. Look at the NY Attorney General. Look at the FTC. All of these agencies and many more have been put on notice of what’s happening in our field. All of them have failed. And if they can’t be bothered with something so obvious and clear cut that a guy with an associate’s degree can see it a mile away, then how many other things must they fail at? How many other wrongs go unsung? How many other people have felt a wave of hopelessness as the powers that be rob them and their families?

To those that would deny future generations a great society: You will hear us. We’re coming for you.

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