FTC Arrests Court Reporting Blogger for Market Manipulation*

On Wednesday secret agents from the chronically underfunded Federal Trade Commission led local stenographer Anna Grigoryevna Dostoevskaya away in handcuffs. Known for her bombastic dirtbag left media style, the court reporting blogger is to face charges in an indictment to be unsealed soon™️ in the United States Eastern District of New York.

FTC Chairwoman Lina Khan released a statement about the arrest shortly after Dostoevskaya was taken into custody. “Today is a victory for fair trade and market competition. Our investigation shows without a doubt that this blogger was exposing the anticompetitive acts of corporations and the poor enforcement of laws meant to protect consumers. It’s only natural that we come after her with everything we’ve got.”

A source close to the investigation added, “what? You expect us to go toe to toe with corporations that have lawyers? It’s much easier to accuse individual people of violating the law and farm their lives for the appearance of justice than it ever was to oppose the corporate consolidation of the country and enforce the laws equally. Americans have spoken through their elected representatives. They do not want an FTC with enough teeth to investigate every complaint, or even most of them, just like the EEOC and every other agency meant to do right by the American people.”

New York City Council Member Kamillah Hanks expressed excitement after learning about the situation. “We could save an incredible amount of money by allowing law enforcement to ignore the vast majority of complaints it receives and arresting the people that criticize us. The NYPD could finally focus on important things like ticketing motorists if it completely avoided complaints about theft, domestic violence, and murder by simply saying it can’t investigate every complaint. We’d like to thank the FTC for giving us a roadmap to improving trust in the system.”

Senator Chuck Schumer, in a rare statement, noted, “actions opposing monopolies and oligopolies will not be tolerated in our nation of laws. This is America, we defend the wealthiest among us so that they can afford crisis bunkers to protect them from the end times. We defend their American Dream.”

Not everybody’s convinced. A source close to Dostoevskaya, speaking on the condition of anonymity, revealed the blogger’s likely legal defense. “Yeah, bro, she was always going on about the government and its hands-off approach toward the rich and powerful. We may have free speech in America, but everybody knows you just don’t do that. It’s very unprofessional. Anyway, I’m pretty sure she’ll say it was a conspiracy and I am definitely extremely close to her and can say that with confidence, bro.”

The Speech-to-Text Institute, a common target of the blogger, also chose to speak out on the arrest in a statement disclosed by its shadow representative, John Doe #3. “Let this be a lesson to stenographers that exercise their freedom of speech in America, we will always have the last laugh, and then we’ll have our speech recognition software transcribe that laugh as a word, because that’s what’s going to make court records more accurate in America.”

*None of this is true. It’s part of Stenonymous Satire Weekends, a project meant to pop up in search engines and expose corporate fraud in court reporting. I put it on pause for a couple of weekends because the Speech-to-Text Institute finally got sued and took down its site. I have a concern about where to go from here. Do I turn attention to the corporations behind the STTI? Do I turn attention to a government that has failed to enforce the law equally at every level conceivable? Do I continue to harp on the media for its journalistic equalizing and blatant disgusting support for corporate liars?

I could also kick my feet up and hope for the best. But after the medical incident I went through and my mom’s passing all within the span of about 9 months last year, I pretty much saw that anything can happen and none of us really know when our time is up. There’s a Greek proverb, “a society grows great when old men plant trees in whose shade they shall never sit.” Our actions today create echoes that reach into the future. Those echoes decide whether the future is scorching or shaded for the generations to come. If there is any chance of creating enough noise for this issue and others like it that the government is forced to stop shirking its responsibilities to the people of this country, then that is a seed I’ll plant, and hopefully it’ll lead to a better world.

And for anyone who’s not convinced that the government is shirking its responsibility, look at the disgustingly worthless California and Texas regulatory authorities. Look at the NY Attorney General. Look at the FTC. All of these agencies and many more have been put on notice of what’s happening in our field. All of them have failed. And if they can’t be bothered with something so obvious and clear cut that a guy with an associate’s degree can see it a mile away, then how many other things must they fail at? How many other wrongs go unsung? How many other people have felt a wave of hopelessness as the powers that be rob them and their families?

To those that would deny future generations a great society: You will hear us. We’re coming for you.

Stenonymous Seeks Shadow Donor for Media Services*

In a statement released Thursday the popular court reporting blog Stenonymous revealed that it was seeking a sugar donor for investment in increasingly bold media stunts. Q1 Revenue was lower than expected, causing panic among the Stenonymous board of directors, long lambasted for its complete lack of diversity.

In other news…

New constitutional amendment: A stenographer must be present to record Miranda warnings.

New Constitutional Amendment: Stenographer must be present to record Miranda warnings. Stenonymous Satire Weekends.

Bud Light hires controversial stenographic strategist Christopher Day to promote the brand. “When the liberal mafia and real American conservatives figure out I’m a cis white male roleplaying as a malignant narcissist, sales will go through the roof,” says Day.

Juul settlement causes uproar in the world of court reporting. “Couldn’t they just wait until discovery was over?” says local deposition reporter.

NYC Fire Department’s Bureau of Investigations and Trials investigator under fire after fist bumping stenographer during secret proceeding.

NCRA Spokesperson: “No, we will not be having the convention in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.”

Disney searching for stenographer for impending lawsuit. Must pledge loyalty to the House of Mouse and will be paid in Disney gift cards.

*None of this is true. This is part of Stenonymous Satire Weekends where I try to mix news and current events with steno to get some hits and draw attention to ongoing fraud in court reporting. It brought up April’s stats, so I think it’s worth it to continue.

United States Supreme Court Rules Stenographers No Longer Required in Trial Courts…*

In a stunning turn of events, Chief Justice Honorable John G. Roberts declared that stenographers will no longer be necessary for the trial courts. “I am quite sure that we can just record it. Everyone knows that if you decrease the supply of court reporting vendors by getting rid of stenographers and the demand remains the same, prices will go down. That’s Economics 101. We could save the judiciary a lot of money by turning it completely over to corporations and paying them for a deficit product. The frequency of reconstruction hearings is only going to be as often as the audio fails, which we conveniently have and collect no data for, so it must be rare. I don’t really care to read trial court records before I make my rulings anyway. I’m ready for the future.” Stenonymous.com called for national protests, leading to a large gathering of stenography supporters in New York City.

Stenonymous.com calls for national protests in a new Supreme Court ruling. Stenonymous Satire Weekends.

In other news…

Inventor invents a new stenotype containing an actual C on the keyboard. Court reporters everywhere are furious!

Jury finds Staten Island stenographer guilty of blogging while under the influence, defendant remanded. Trial to be held five years from now due to understaffing.

NCRA Spokesperson: “Our next legislative move will be universal parking passes for stenographers. Never wait for your parking to get validated again.”

Commenting on the accuracy of court records, Elvis Presley has words for stenographers: Thank you very much.

Elon Musk dictates to classroom of stenographers in training.

First raise in 30 years! Local stenographer celebrates 10-cent surprise.

Suspect asks for a lawyer dog. Lawyer dog swears he’s not a cat. Stenographers weigh in.

*None of this is true. It is part of Stenonymous Satire Weekends, a project meant to entertain the court reporting audience of this blog and catch search engine attention by integrating court reporting with current events and prominent figures. We have a corporate fraud problem in court reporting that the media won’t report on and the government won’t do anything about, so we’re reduced to fundraising until we can simply advertise deluge-style and publicly shame all the people and organizations in power who had a chance to do something and didn’t. Until that fundraising comes in, which will be sometime between now and never, Stenonymous will continue to archive, entertain, and inform with the help of its audience and the stenographers that support the blog.

The picture is from the day of the Trump arraignment in New York City, but has been modified.

Based on the most current data, at 2% of revenue, court reporters could afford an annual advertising campaign of $21.6 million (assumes $60,000 median pay x 18,000 court reporters. In some estimates, there are as many as 30,000 court reporters. BLS statistics in court reporting may be inaccurate, as the BLS continues to decrease the number of jobs despite consistently forecasting an increase in the number of jobs.

Bureau of Labor Statistics on court reporters as of April 8, 2023.

Indiana Bans Typing on Keyboards it Doesn’t Like*

In today’s news…

Local swimmer finds sunken relic, asks New York State Court Reporters Association for identification expertise.

Donald Trump indicted in New York, says the grand jury stenographer got the transcript “bigly wrong.”

Asked to comment on corporate fraud in court reporting, President Joe Biden stated “protecting the Iranian people in their fight against Russia is our highest priority” while fist bumping Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman.

Global warming scientists: The heat coming off stenographers’ fingers may be to blame.

San Francisco City Council unanimously proclaims Stenonymous.com is an arm of Russian state media.

St. Petersburg Choir attempts to recruit stenographic singer Joshua Edwards

Shortage or PsyOp? Stenographers say “we’re here!” Shortage proponents say “no, they aren’t!”

Governor DeSantis signed a bill requiring Disney to staff at least one stenographer for every 1000 guests.

*None of this is true, or at least has a bunch of partial truths woven in with a bunch of jokes meant to entertain the stenographic audience of this blog. Indiana actually did not go through with its stenography ban as revealed by NCRA this week. This is part of a series of posts called Stenonymous Satire Weekends.

Congressman George Santos Weighs in on Court Reporting*

George Santos, nobel-prize winning congressperson who surpassed Elon Musk as the richest person in the world last Tuesday, has teamed up with Veritext to promote digital reporting. “The cure for cancer will come from digital reporting. I bet all of Veritext’s money on it.” Mr. Santos also says that the inaudibles are a necessary part of any transcript because most people don’t know what anyone is saying half the time anyway.

The Veritext CEO spoke to the Congressman about the shortage in the industry. Representative Santos replied, “don’t worry, people won’t look into it. Look at my resume.” While he advocates for digital reporting, he says “I understand the importance of digital and I can speak to it because I’m also a stenographer who’s won the National Court Reporters Association award for Fastest Fingers seven times in a row.”

Santos was later declared the new NCRA Spokesperson, and attended a masonic order dinner, trying to build a bridge between NCRA and the Illuminati.

*None of this is true. It is a satire on the lies occurring in the court reporting industry, political lies, and poking a bit of fun at how people often use or misuse NCRA’s name and cred for their own agenda. It also satirizes modern journalism. It makes fun of me too, but that’s much more subtle.

In other news, Staten Island man dressed in a peanut butter-covered raincoat was arrested. Reportedly stated to arresting officers: “I was just celebrating court reporting and captioning week!”


Stenonymous Satire Weekends

Generally the blog’s a source of information that readers can count on to present my honest findings on whatever topic I’m writing about. As news rolls in, I report it. But what to do when that news dries up for a bit? That’s a question I’ve had for a long time. After all, in my view, anything that drives up eyes on our profession is going to eventually bring opportunities. So, to capture those opportunities, I’m willing to put on this loud persona and reach out into the world. Part of that is creating engaging content that might pop into real world searches and get people wondering “what the heck is this?”

So the perfect idea was born. Satire weekends. Once a week I can put out fake headlines or blurbs that the audience will get a laugh at and the search engines will hopefully capture. It’s a no-cost way of reaching more people that’s worth exploring. It’s also a low-risk way of poking the bear, since if the STTI Bloc didn’t sue or threaten to sue over allegations of fraud, they’re definitely not going to do anything over a little humor.

U.S. Government declares a state of emergency, digital court reporting big box corporations not making enough profit. Government intervention is needed to help control a market of 30,000 rabid stenographers, says Veritext CEO*, award-winning pen shorthand writer and congressperson, George Santos.

*Satire comparing the bold lies of George Santos with the lies of the Veritext company.

That’s a good peek at what I want to do. I believe that humor might be a real winning ticket.

Local stenographic cult leader arrested during educational webinar while telling followers “when in doubt, stroke it out.”

Speech-to-Text Institute experts that have never court reported speak out on the future of court reporting.

Truckload of stenotypes stolen by Staten Island man, police investigation ongoing.

Truckload of stenotypes stolen by Staten Island man, police investigation ongoing. (Stenonymous Satire)