Okay, kids, imagine this: A government agent walks up to you. They cannot legally detain you if you do not violate the law. And you know statistically that the vast majority of them do not want to illegally detain you.
My honest advice is be friendly. Usually kills the tension and reduces the likelihood of needing to be arrested. Give your name, assert your constitutional right to remain silent, and ask for a lawyer if you’re not free to go. There are thousands of police interactions that don’t result in a court case and you can be one of them by being smart. You will not only be saving your community money by not wasting police resources on stupid bullshit (the legally correct term for anything you can walk away from without being arrested), you will be freeing up court resources so that your peers with MUCH bigger problems can maybe get help, more time with their public defender, so on.
It sucks to have the rules enforced on us even when we’re 100% in the wrong. Ask me how I know. But take the time if you will to imagine how much it must suck to enforce the rules on other people. Like, you have to be that guy, because society is paying you to be that guy. Within a legal framework that tells us to resist some very human behaviors. That’s how it works. And everybody that’s cool with that idea has a real advantage on the job market over those that don’t.
Some of the common ways you can get arrested are listed in the New York State Penal Law.
If your rights are violated, some helpful search terms may be: USC 1983 lawyer, civil rights lawyer, 50-h hearing lawyer, criminal defense lawyer.
Claims against the city gotta be filed with the comptroller within 90 days.
If a lawyer won’t take your case it means your case has bad facts (I can’t prove this) or bad damages (proving this in court isn’t worth the money). By the way, yes, this does create a massive systemic inequality with regard to civil litigants’ access to justice. The Wayne Wilson case I wrote about was still active in 2026! It’s been bouncing court to court, and to this day he doesn’t have his car. Didn’t watch that on Newsmax, did we, Staten Island?
Rikers sucks but you know what I met one of the nicest people in the world there. Oh no he didn’t. But let me explain: It feels oppressive. To anyone accustomed to freedom, it is a dreadful place. I was paid to be there, and everyone was nice to me. But I will never allow myself to forget that feeling, like, isn’t there another way?
No, you fool. There is no other way. You swore an oath to the State of New York that you’d act in accordance with its laws and constitution, and you’re going to fulfill that for as long as this wonderful world lets you. And you’re going to do it contemporaneously with the criminal law greats of the modern age — yes, I’m writing to you, just this once, with love and respect for all you do and have probably done for me and everybody else in this city. And for the kids, all you will do.
I saved the best for the smart kids who read to the end. The secret is that you can view courts as a place of expensive resolution for people that cannot resolve their issues any other way. If you’re in court on a criminal case, congratulations, someone in the decision making process thought you were worth burning $2,000 to $6,000 on misdemeanor prosecution or more on a felony. This does not mean you are guilty, but it does mean you are about to experience a process relatively few of us New Yorkers do. It’s unpleasant and can cause intense reactions and feelings depending on your psychology.
Took a quote “recently.” If you don’t qualify for a public defender, word on the street is you’re paying at least $1,500 on a nothing misdemeanor case where the mens rea can’t be proven and nobody wants to prosecute. Again, Staten Island kids, think of your inheritance before you do dumb dopey shit that gets you LOCKED UP. You really want to burn $400 an hour for your lawyer to chit chat with an ADA hoping that you’ll get a better deal?
And I find that some have a romanticized version of the courts in their head and to some degree I share that view. But I would offer another to anyone that would find it useful: Forums of function and necessity. The system is basically pulling 80 people into a room and asking them questions about their lives and asking them to swear they’ll be fair and impartial, and that their decisions will not be swayed by bias or sympathy. That’s it. Hundreds of years have gone into the development of the process but at the end of the day you’re asking 6 to 12 regular people to look at what the district attorney presents at trial alongside what you present at trial and make a decision. Everyone in the room knows it’s scary to be you right now, but nobody’ll ever know how it feels to be you.
To the extent you have a choice, choose health, happiness, and safety.
(This is written with compassion to all community stakeholders, a list I dare not try to write tonight, but certainly starting with every person willing to share this literary work of art. The views expressed are mine alone to the extent they are actually mine (ah!) and this is not a government message or endorsement.)
(If an actual child looking for help comes across this page, please understand that you’ve witnessed a complex and mature piece of literature. If you understood it or later come to understand, it means you have amazing potential. Don’t let it stop you from shining in this world. Contact Child Protective Services in New York State or the Administration for Children’s Services in New York City if you are a child in New York City facing abuse or neglect.)
Addendum, night of June 30, 2026:
Yes, the joke was, if you could not be bothered to read this, would you really want to sit through a trial?
And my gut tells me the people least likely to read this most need to read it.
I do think the message can be explained to children but care must be taken for each child’s maturity level.