Court Reporter Breaks Silence, Advises Defendant: “Kid, Take the Deal…”*

On Monday morning in the Wyoming Court of Great Big Palatial Justice, Sal Nuturile stood beside his lawyer as the prosecution put a plea offer on the record.

According to several eyewitnesses, when the prosecutor, Dan Fielding, explained that the top count would be dismissed after the plea and the defendant would be able to plead only to the E felony and receive 1 year instead of the 2 and a half to 7 he might have otherwise received, Mr. Nuturile seemed discontent with the offer. The official court reporter, Buddy Rydell, began coughing loudly before locking eyes with Nuturile. “Kid, take the deal.” Audible gasps filled the room. Court reporters, known for their silence and relative neutrality, are not known for interjecting themselves into proceedings and advising defendants in open court. “What? Look, I’ve been doing this a long time.” Suddenly he bellowed “IT’S THE BEST HE’S GONNA GET!”

Pointing accusingly at the defendant’s lawyer, Atticus Finch, Rydell got louder. “You! Did you finish law school? Because your client’s about to lose the best deal he’s gonna get! They’re only keeping the offer open for today! Chop, chop, pal. Is this Legal Aid or Legal Malpractice?”

Mr. Finch reportedly requested that the Court go back on the record and return to the proceeding, and suggested a second call to discuss the offer with his client. The court reporter’s antics continued without pause. “What is there to discuss? Is your case load not heavy enough? Are you really going to miss a chance to plead out on a sweetheart deal?”

By then court officers had assisted Rydell to his feet and began escorting him out. According to a source speaking on the condition of anonymity, the reporter has been checked into a psychiatric facility where they will pretend to treat him until insurance can no longer be billed.

We reached out to the chambers of Judge Chamberlain Haller for comment but received no response. The Office of Obtuse and Obstructive Court Managerial Paperwork released a statement that the court is bringing in digital court reporters because, quote, “stenography appears to drive people insane. It’s definitely not the fact that we certify them at 225 words per minute with 95% accuracy and then expect them to take down spurts of 250 words per minute testimony at around 99% accuracy. It can’t be that society cycles back and forth between telling them their job is obsolete and super important, and has been doing that for literally half a century. If they don’t like the fact that their job is dependent on people speaking clearly enough to be understood word-for-word, and that nobody involved, including lawyers, witnesses, etc, wants to cooperate with that process, then they should just get a different job and eat the loss of schooling and equipment. Then we can do like the California Court CEOs and claim shortage while we use the money earmarked by the legislature for attracting court reporters for hookers and blackjack.”

Check back for more updates.

*None of this is real. It’s another creative writing exercise based off a rumor I heard a long time ago. Feel free to republish, adapt, and so on and so forth. It can also be used as a thought exercise for our actions in court and how they may be perceived by others, but most of us are fairly aware of that.

Anybody in the audience that would be interested in a creative writing contest? When I was in the NYSCRA board we had a poetry contest with blind judges to avoid favoritism. We also allowed contestants to choose whether their work would be published and whether they would be credited or anonymous. I could easily set up the same here. If I get at least 10 comments below with interest in such a thing I will look into doing something within the next few months.

Thanks again. Have a wonderful week all.