On Thursday the Onondaga Criminal Court arraignments had a surprise visit from the embattled z-list court reporting personality, X, formerly known as George Santos. Santos, having been charged with being too compliant with police officers, was discovered to be a stenographer just shortly into the proceeding.
After the reveal, Mr. Santos was asked by the Court to relieve the official court reporter taking the proceedings. Mr. Santos allegedly turned to her, smiled, and said, “don’t worry, I got this. I’m the NCRA Fastest Fingers Award Winner of 2023. Elon Musk is going to buy you a horse for your trouble.”
Once Santos was behind the keys of the stenotype, the rest of it went well for him. In the transcript obtained by Court Tee Vee, an unprecedented situation unfolded.
THE COURT: Well, Mr. Santos, it seems there’s been a mistake. Your lawyer, Mr. Richards, has pointed out that the accusatory instrument has a fatal defect. The case is dismissed and sealed.
THE PROSECUTOR: Oh, Mr. Santos, we are so, so sorry for our malicious prosecution. Please don’t use the transcript of this proceeding to sue us.
MR. RICHARDS: My client is a benevolent and understanding person. In addition to being the first man to the moon and the only person to single handedly save an entire school bus of children with his left pinky, he donated enough to charity to end world hunger and eliminated unemployment worldwide. There’s no reason for him to sue you, and your apology is humbly accepted.
THE COURT: By the way, Mr. Santos, thank you for ending the court reporter shortage fraud by creating a controversy so obnoxious that there isn’t a single person that hasn’t heard of stenography. That was a bold move, and it really paid off for your profession, they should be proud.
THE DEFENDANT: Your Honor, it was no trouble. The court reporters living here and working every day to make this county shine, they’re the real heroes.
(Whereupon, court officers and court clerks all broke into tears as the sun shone through an open window and a beam of light cast a spotlight on X, formerly known as George Santos. As he exited the courtroom, a flock of doves carrying the mice from Cinderella fluttered through the window and dropped their furry friends, and everyone left the courtroom while singing We All Lift Together from the worldwide critically acclaimed MMORPG Warframe. Yes, including the mice and doves.)
Critics question the parenthetical at the end. Court officers, known for their professionalism, helpfulness, and dedication to the safety of courthouses, and clerks, also known for their professionalism and dedication to the just and fair operation of courthouses, simply don’t do that kind of thing. A source speaking on the condition of anonymity stated that in reality, the relieved stenographer was actually 1,567% more qualified than Santos, so we’re not really sure what occurred that day.
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*None of this is real. It’s part of Stenonymous Whatever I Want Weekends, a thing I just made up for when I want to do something different like this parody of so many flavors. According to a source that wishes to remain anonymous, in the incident this was based on, the erroneously-charged case was dismissed and sealed 14 days after arraignment. The source believes that a small percentage of our field does not understand the gravity of our work and how it can impact people’s lives, and that by making this excerpt and attached writing exercise public, we can all be reminded that anyone can be charged with anything, and that treating all lawyers, litigants, and the public equally is imperative. “It could be any of us one day,” he said.
Thanks again, Anonymous. I share these beliefs, but even if I didn’t, I’d probably have published anyway for the literary and conceptual value.
From Anonymous and myself, thank you for making this profession shine every day with your hard work and dedication.